A Rundown: I didn't date in my childhood AT ALL and on a technicality I've never had a boyfriend (I've never been asked or formally broken up with to include those experiences in my life). BUT If we consider the 2 I had, one broke up with me for going to a music festival with a guy friend and never posting him? AND not letting him go through my phone?? lol.. whilst the second texted like "I don't know the next time, ima see you" ? which was CRAZY to me. After knowing that you have to consider a miscellaneous almost decade long "situation-ship" + a random "friends" with benefits type of back and forth both in which led me to being an occasional side b*tch: pointlessness.
So yea in short leaving out the emotional, mental, and sometimes verbal abuse/manipulation that I managed to maintain all those years out of desperation of being over-standing here is what I've come to realized.
- THE BIGGEST MISTAKE: If I had to unlearn anything it would be when we grow up we're told "if they're mean to you they like you." terrible sense of admiration because being unwanted essentially is how I led my eagerness to be embraced by true feelings of loathe that I just thought was mere reverse psychology. So now I'm trying to unlearn that when someone is being nice to me I shouldn't be completely creeped out by it which makes me dismissive, because I'm too busy chasing pavements to appreciate an embrace that I don't necessarily have to fight myself for.
- I also realized with that egotistically I had developed a bad habit of chasing people who didn't show interest in me to PROVE they'd like me! That encouraged me to enjoy the excessive flirting aspect of "talking" more than bond building because "I told you!you'd like me HA-HA"
It wasn't until I wanted to stop compromising myself because I noticed when I was trying to do better or become better in life in general, I couldn't help but be considerate of these relations that actually didn't serve any beneficial purpose in my life except teaching me lessons that came from trials and tribulations. In addition to recognizing that the consideration was one-sided(only coming from me due to particular circumstances but still).
In which I don't regret. I don't regret anything honestly, occasionally I just wish I actually did better as I knew. Yet all in all I take full responsibility for being driven by my bad habits that influenced me to tolerate a lot of continuous psychological abuse, if you want to call it that.
None of this was easy either, when I finally became weary of how I was maneuvering my "love life" it actually took me 1 full year to wake up and be like "I QUIT THIS N*GGA TODAY." Once I started noticing my misery was becoming unbearable because mind you I always felt a sense of comfort among the hostility of my situations as that's what they were built on so it always felt "normal"(on top of the fact I didn't trust their kindness when it would be extended any way which might've been self sabotage but I doubt it, willing to consider but highly unlikely the kindness was sincere at those times.)
- I was so tired of experiencing nothing so I decided to develop standards.. and I'm so stubborn I think I never had any due to the fact they require you to have expectations of others as I rather not! But hey *sigh* responsibility had to come in somewhere so I just make it a point to keep in mind certain things like kindness, sincerity, and honesty for the most part. Of course I have other desires and experiences I look forward to but those are my focal points in finding a middle ground between stubborness and accountability.
- I've been open to lack of control, it's not like I'm to trust someone without skepticism but I'm learning how to be mindful of my intention. As that's the most I'm willing to do because I don't feel like thinking for someone else, nor do I care to manipulate any connections to assure they are maintained. That requires too much guessing which doesn't provide me with any security anyways.
- I had figured I'd be celibate for quite some time, when I started weening myself off of people sex became such a chore so I just let it go. On top of the fact with my development of standards and all. It's not like the counters were hitting points that would've made me comfortable to f*ck anyways. I enjoyed it, it was a different kind of freedom and peace honestly.
- Importantly I stopped chasing, that was the most boring thing I could've done but it had to stop. I wanted to see who and how someone genuinely attracted or interested in me would go about it without my help.
I wish I could go into true detail about how I organized my processes but I feel like counters are going to read this and try to be the perfect representation of what I would like in order to see me and that would be manipulative, so I digress.
It's been a year and it's been cool. I have no complaints in regards of truly not having a "person" romantically, because I think I came to a better understanding of myself and that has contributed to maintaining my happyness. Little things like being able to dye my hair, wear any kind of clothes, just approach people like "well if they like ME, they like me. If they don't, they don't" while not being reminded that I am weird or could be better if.. or even being a secret. Has been a calm time.
- A HARSH REALITY: I got a chance to see how people perceived me. Especially old work!!! It's like they think I'm dumb, the ultimate dummy since I am so willing and that is sad sometimes plus the fact I would make an effort to maintain these relationships because I had a real bad abandonment issue after developing attachment of any sort. but I understand.
I UNDERSTAND I AM NOT GOING BACK TO THE BASICS
So what now?